Our muse – rebel Helen

Helen Haldjakase’s life could be made into a movie, or quite a few. And we guarantee you won’t get bored watching them for a second. Helen has lived in Italy, London and Klagenfurt (Austria), ran a bar, sang in a punk band and has now landed in the forests and fields of Lääne-Virumaa, where she has been running a farm for eight years. She has four children, and a herd of Scottish Highland cattle, and her body is covered in tattoos. The night before the shoot, she boiled broth from her freshly killed boilers until midnight. 29 chickens went under the axe. Crazy! Inspiring! The pure power and beauty of a woman! Now, on her path of discovery, Helen has come closer and closer to herself and to the most invisible part of the world, where energies and fields are raging. Tanel photographed Helen for the first time more than 20 years ago, and the reunion took place in the fields near Helen’s home and in the mystical ruins of Lehtse. It turned out to be one of the most intense series ever – there were cinematic moments with Helen, in which the story was enmeshed.

Helen, you are still insanely inspiring - you can't be blamed for living a boring life. Where do you get the strength to be so stubborn, so free-spirited and independent of other people's opinions?

I’ve been stubborn since birth. I have always felt like I didn’t really belong anywhere. For example, when I was 3 years old, I left kindergarten because I didn’t like the teachers, the games, or the children.

I drove my parents crazy at an early age because I had to be chased around the city or I had gotten into some dangerous situation because of my curiosity. I’ve always seen the world a little differently than most people. My free spirit is still not a family legacy, and my mother’s stubborn setu roots definitely contribute to it. I have absolutely no tolerance for being boxed in and I tend to conflict with those who try to do this to me. “Does not recognise authority” was added to one of the testimonials once written about me 😊

For some reason, I assumed that you would prefer to wear darker shades when taking pictures, but you surprised me by asking to wear turquoise shades. What is your relationship with colours?

I love colours. I wear black when I know that other clothes can get dirty quickly. You still don’t throw shit in a snow-white barn. At the same time, I like all shades close to nature, green and turquoise are my favourites.

And I’m also happy to wear white. It depends on the situation and what I want to achieve. For example, I have a red jacket in my closet that I wear when I want to be heard. But wearing white makes people trust you more and open up more easily. So I wear white in my work as a therapist.

What role do tattoos play in your style and personality? Can you explain why you have allowed so much needle and ink on your skin?

My tattoos are for myself and generally, I don’t even display them. I’d rather cover up. I don’t care about other people’s tattoos either. However, photographers are interested in my tattoos, and thanks to my inked body, I have received quite a few job offers.

I don’t need to expose myself like I did when I was younger. Other values have come to life. But if I need to scare someone, I take off my shirt and… 😉

You have been living in relative isolation for the last eight years, and you prefer not to surround yourself with a village community full of gossip. Who are you beautiful for? How important do you think it is to take care of your appearance?

Separation is a conscious choice. I have reached a stage in my life where it is necessary. The spirit will not grow if you have constant noise around you.

You are still beautiful primarily for yourself. I’m lucky in this respect that I feel good in my skin and it’s enough to comb and wash my face in the morning. I use make-up when I need an extra look or when I have an event or a photo shoot. I haven’t known what a foundation is for years. In the best case, I dye my eyelashes and tint my eyebrows, but I often forget about that too, and then I look like a panda bear in its best years 😊

Talk about your relationship with jewellery. What are your most meaningful and important pieces of jewellery?

I am a total magpie when it comes to jewellery. Gold, silver and gems please! It is very ok to do farm work with earrings that cost almost a thousand euros. And I adore tiaras. It is probably the fault of my family – paternal roots come from Princess Diana’s family in Wales. And I wear flowers on my head whenever possible. Even as a child, I liked to put big roses in my hair. And I definitely love to wear rings with big stones on my finger.

How has your relationship to appearance and style changed over time? How do you look at your wrinkles and changing life numbers?

If I used to be a rock chick with a crop top and a miniskirt, now I’m more comfortable. I really like light floating clothes, and long dresses. Heels have been replaced by decent running shoes and hiking boots. And at home, I love to wear leggings and a T-shirt because I often have to run after the cows that have gone somewhere to do mischief.

By the way, my facial skin is much more beautiful and healthy here in the woods than it was 15 years ago when I was running a bar. There are no wrinkles yet, but I perceive ageing as a privilege that is not given to everyone – wrinkles and grey hair should be worn with pride! I hope that life will allow me to be a lively old lady with long pink hair 😊

What would you recommend to teenage Helen?

Don’t cry for some stupid people! Don’t let yourself get too carried away and get out of relationships that don’t feed you! Suffering is not a virtue!